I am writing this blog on behalf of my children. I kept them in an abusive relationship with their father for 7 years. Now my 10 yr old is out of control. I realize that this is partly my fault, but I need to figure out how to change this or just make it better.
BACKGROUND ~ My EX husband was an abusive jerk. He was physically, emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive. He would scream constantly, yet require constant attention like he was an infant. He did not know how to show affection, yet wanted to feel loved by everyone, even those he was constantly hurting. He only beat up on people who was smaller than him (women and children). I lost a baby due to his violent fits of rage. I left him just before my 3rd child was born. Just so you know, I did not want kids. I tried every type of birth control out there, nothing worked. We literally only had sex like twice a year when he harassed me so much that I would give in just to get him to leave me alone. I was scared, terrified of what he would do if I tried to leave. He told me several times that he would kill me if I tried to leave.
NOW ~ divorced for 4 years, and in a new relationship with a wonderful man, and my 10 year old has taken on the role of her father. She acts just like him. hitting, screaming and abusing her younger siblings. She also yells and screams at me. She is totally disrespectful and constantly angry. She only acts this way at home. When she is at school or a friends house, she's fine.
I have her in an intensive therapy group, but she seems to be getting worse. Please, I need advice, help. I don't know what to do with her anymore. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home. I am finding it hard to even have her here. It's not right to feel this way about my child. I don't know how or what to do in order to make things better in my home.
~ struggling mom of 3 ~
ReplyDeleteMake sure there isn't something in the way that you deal with her that 's contributing to the problem like arguing or constantly nagging her. Most every conflict starts with a volley of words. You may have every right to do that but it doesn't work and usually makes the problem worse. There is nothing tough or argumenative you can say that will change her. She's doing it because it's working for some purpose for her. That's what needs to change.
When she throws a tantrum, make her go into another room and close the door and deal with it alone. Don't argue with her or let her know it's upsetting you, be calm, relaxed and pleasant, just say, "I don't want to listen to that, take it in the other room."
Make sure she inderstands that you love her. Give her a lot of hugs and attention for the good things she does and no attention for the negatives. Something has her convinced that the tantrums work either to get her way or make you feel bad and maybe they do. If you can understand what she's getting out of it and take that away, that's the answer. The object is to change the situation to her realizing that tantrums no longer work and positive behavior does.
Don't rule out the possibility that she may have an emotional problem that needs professional help. If the above doesn't work, I'd suspect that.
Rob
She's ten, so the 2 yr old tantrums don't make sense. Lol. We try to keep everything relatively calm in the house. My other 2 children are not anything like this. They rarely get told no, on any occasion. Its more like she needs the chaos, if that makes sense. For a while, she seemed to be getting better. But these last few months, it's bottomed out. Everything is a problem with her, from what I make for dinner, to not wanting to do her homework, to someone walking in front of the tv when she is watching it. Its gotten so out of hand, I don't know hat to do. I appreciate your responses. As far a sending to her another room, she won't stay and she will follow me through the house arguing, even if I am not saying anything at all to her. I do have her in group therapy and family therapy, but it seems to only be making it worse :(
ReplyDeleteThis needs to be brought under control before she hits puberty.
ReplyDeleteSearch for "boot camp schools for girls" in google and see if there any programs that sound like something you can deal with.
rob
Last year my husband and I adopted two kids who were neglected and abused by their drug-addicted mother. My daughter was a 13-year-old *TERROR*. I also felt like I didn't want her in the house. She was a danger to herself and the rest of us. It was hell. I did my best not to let her see that she was getting to me, but I had to get her out of our house and into some place where she could get the help she needed.
ReplyDeleteAfter battling for as long as we could take it, we sent her to a teen boot camp then to a therapeutic boarding school for about two semesters. She was in therapy at the school, and our family traveled there several tines for family therapy and had regular phone sessions. We were in constant contact with the therapists and teachers. I didn't know what else to do with her *except* send her to professionals. I was way out of my element, and I knew that didn't make me a terrible person. I think acknowledging and admitting that I didn't have the skills to help her was the best thing I could do... but I caught a lot of flack from me extended family for that.
Now she's home, and it's like she's a different kid. She's a joy and now doing very well. Just this past weekend she gave a motivational talk at her former school. Everything isn't perfect... she still has a long way to go. But the thing that's really different now is that she's confronting the issues from her past, but not confronting me. I really believe those programs saved her life.
There are some affordable programs out there too, and it's also possible to find scholarships and loans to cover the cost. Maybe there's one nearby that you would feel comfortable with.
Talk to her therapists and maybe a social worker as well to try to figure out what's going on in her head and how to undo the damage she's suffered.
I wish I had better advice. It's sort of a one day at a time thing... and you're constantly second guessing yourself. You start to think you're crazy. You blame yourself for things that are out of your control. You feel guilty ALL the time and feel like you aren't doing enough fast enough. There's constant worry. People who aren't willing to offer real assistance are more than happy to offer their criticism. It's tough. Hang in there. You definitely aren't in this boat alone.
I agree with Rob's advice, too. He's been very helpful to our family.
I truly wish you the best.
skyDancer
Thank you for your reply. I'm looking into more therapy, right now, she is in a partial hospitalization program . it doesn't seem to be working.
ReplyDeleteI know a family friend who had the same problem...
ReplyDeleteWhat her child do is being the worst at home and good outside...
This all happen after that she felt many things I had few time to get near her without she know who am I (and coz. I was smaller then her mother she accept to talk(was difficult but worked at end)) the problems are:
1- There is no family she can trust every thing her parents do is terrible,
2- She can't accept them they tell her lies only(they don't keep some promises),
3- Once she want they never accept and f itz for them they 'll do it,
with time her believe in the family was near 00% and so she started to think as if they are just a use till she can get rid of them,,,
once she is out she feel that there is nothing interrupting her and everything is OK and shiny and not as the dark whole of home,,,
she made connection between home and the lose of what she want, they don't give her her wishes as what the other families do to their child.........so many ideas comes after she lost the believe that she had got a trust able family,,,
surprising me she said "I wish I had another family who can feel my presence and don't need me to be anxious" ...
I was that young to not treat alone and so told her mom to start some ideas me and my mom suggest and the 3rd is what worked for her...
1st, u must search for what she needs and just give her all she may need and keep to close to her that let her feel the warm of ur real presence
2nd, make a real block of ur gentle being with her and make her responsible take her to live with ur brother family then he'll make her work and nothing is acceptable for him without a pay by hard work so she 'll understand the mean of life and then take a control of being like that and since he is strong and a male he can help to make a force by his presence itself...
3rd, to look for her in school what she do and what they think about her (without letting her find out at all) and her B\friend for sure, she 'll understand her a little and then go to make changes in her act (not to be a detective and to let her child feel that she is not in a jail)...
and then her child looked for her mother really with no care but as an added advice was to stop uncaring about herself and care more about her child coz. they feel that she is nothing but annoy and can't do anything...
the use of some anti-anxiety was refused by her mom and so she can't use them or f she told her child that she'll give her medication so no way she 'll keep silent...
the stay in a real danger and getting in and her mom being of a help was a thing done later and completely changed...
Another thing is that she feel like written above in the other answers she feel that this way is of a help to have what she need as her father do,,,and that she can do what she like no one can punish (no one has that strength, and no one can do it the right way),,,and the punish of harm made her undrestand her weakness and humanity being,,,
Those may not help really, but this is what I found in a similar state so I told,,,
My4649